Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
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you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
giddy up Office Depot
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…