[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
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If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“