Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.