[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
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It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
accurate
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.