Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.