[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
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A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this