Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

im gay on my mothers side

Dear Lord..

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.