[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
March 16
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero