[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
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I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.