[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
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This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I feel this so hard
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
guilty
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.