Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

At least my masseuse has my back.

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes