[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
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I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Is fructose made with real fruct?
My dad.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Ha
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look