Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.