[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
🙄😏😂🤣
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
These work great until they don’t.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?