Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
You Might Also Like
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?