Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you