Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
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I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I might carry a baby with one hand.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.