Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

Lmfao

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

Grandpa

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

こいつ天才

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30