*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
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Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.