*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
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Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”