Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
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Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Who chose this font
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Help
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer