Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
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“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”