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“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Me when my alarm goes off
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.