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Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Always…
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it