Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
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My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *