Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
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Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother