Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
You Might Also Like
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.