Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
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why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY