Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
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Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
For cardio I live beyond my means.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Just a phase…
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent