Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
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husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
The human personality is made of five key elements
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.