Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

The most important meal of the day is the next one

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself