Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
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[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
there’s probably a fee though
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
