Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
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Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Cr猫me egg filling.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I鈥檓 adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man鈥檚 best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don鈥檛 have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you鈥檙e wondering why I鈥檓 concerned for the bloodline.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
just having fun
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 馃幍
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)