Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
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Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Saturday
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
man i love columbo
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.