[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
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Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean