Smallpox sounds so adorable
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One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Spell check is for lasers.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Probably my best painting.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter