Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.