Smallpox sounds so adorable
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one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely