Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

They say women only use 10% of their anger

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.