Only 1890’s kids will get this

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not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven


More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.


Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.


*takes earrings out*
*takes bracelet off*
*slips out of shoes*
*tears off jeans, shirt, bra*
*shaves head*

Ok Doc you can weigh me now


Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long


No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body


(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.


[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*


I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.