[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
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Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
some Old Testament wisdom
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*