@gogglepossum

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

You Might Also Like

@SunshineJarboly

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

@MariyaAlexander

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

@XplodingUnicorn

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

@celestinelea90

*takes earrings out*
*takes bracelet off*
*slips out of shoes*
*tears off jeans, shirt, bra*
*shaves head*

Ok Doc you can weigh me now

@brendohare

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

@dumbbeezie

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

@patnspankme

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

@fro_vo

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

@Lisabug74

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.