Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

welcome back

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

This hospital has everything

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…