Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
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You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
The key to being in a cult is joining for the free haircuts and matching outfits, but leaving right before the inevitable “god says I have to sleep with your wife” talk from the leader.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.