Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
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It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Eat…
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?