I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
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Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Twitter fine art
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.