Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

Not all heroes wear capes….

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.