Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.