Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fights fire with marshmallows

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.