Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

I’m never leaving this app.

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

*struts into the new year
~ trips

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.