smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
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10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
inside you are two wolves
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
gentlemen, hear me out
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?