smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
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There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
do what now??
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Sing it!
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage