Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

I think I’m gonna be sick

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.