Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
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Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Stop sending me this shit.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
lmao
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]