@paminski

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

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@TheAlexNevil

Can’t wait to one day be a grandparent, to see my adorable grandson misbehave, then look at my son and say “Annoying, huh?”

@jenyb4

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

@causticbob

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

@hoedeehoe

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

@reroutingnow

[Today’s work from home fun]

Customer: I PAY $100 WITH [company] WHY WOULD I PAY MORE WITH YOU AND WASTE MY MONEY!?!!!

Me: I don’t know sir..you’re the one who called in

@sonictyrant

Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday

Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away

Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run

@mrjohndarby

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

@david8hughes

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

@ericONEderful

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

@mom_ontherocks

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything