Can’t wait to one day be a grandparent, to see my adorable grandson misbehave, then look at my son and say “Annoying, huh?”
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
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The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
[Today’s work from home fun]
Customer: I PAY $100 WITH [company] WHY WOULD I PAY MORE WITH YOU AND WASTE MY MONEY!?!!!
Me: I don’t know sir..you’re the one who called in
Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday
Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away
Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything