smartest karate player in the world
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Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Breaking news:
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
gentlemen, hear me out
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.