Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

“just sayin” who asked you though?

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.