Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

Yep.

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

The 5 signs of laziness

1.

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)