Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
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Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I’m not sorry.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.