Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow