Smartphones don’t prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature.

I just walked into a tree.

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Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.


Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!


Ten Ways To Tell If Your Kitchen Is Haunted:
1.) Flying forks
2.) Pre-fried eggs
3.) Fridge moaning/wailing
4-10.) Ghosts


If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”


How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?


hot sauce is okay but what i’m really looking for is a rich older sauce that will help me pay off my student loan


Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.


Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”


First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?