@baycontaco

Smartphones don’t prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature.

I just walked into a tree.

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@Aikiwomannc

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

@karentozzi

Ten Ways To Tell If Your Kitchen Is Haunted:
1.) Flying forks
2.) Pre-fried eggs
3.) Fridge moaning/wailing
4-10.) Ghosts

@squirrel74wkgn

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

@jessokfine

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

@I_am_carbs

hot sauce is okay but what i’m really looking for is a rich older sauce that will help me pay off my student loan

@MarcusTheToken

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

@PORNOPINION

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

@brandiwastaken

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?