@ThaJawn

*smashes bag of Oreos

*pours on top of salad

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@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”SeanINCypress”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3585747127/351e3f95d36ba496cf8af16930da7d2f_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”196342135564410882″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”134″;s:5:”tweet”;s:136:”Being a doctor was awesome a thousand years ago. Back ache? Drill a hole in your head, let the demon out. Headache? Drill. Fever? Drill.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@1followernodad

When you’re checking for murderers in your house, don’t just yell out “hello!” that gives them the upper hand.

Yell, “YOU AINT SHIT!”

@MarfSalvador

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

@jazz_inmypants

[job interview at Sears]

MANAGER: why do you want to work here?

ME: because I need a jo-

MANAGER: do you even know what we sell?

ME: …i don’t :/

MANAGER: *slides me a name tag* neither do we

@Parkerlawyer

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

@carlyken

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

@lawbsterfest

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

@Cpin42

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

@KevinFarzad

Why would you name your human child Hunter? Hunter is a profession. That’s like naming your kid Dentist.

@mama_babble

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”