*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
You Might Also Like
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’