*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
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Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Duolingo getting serious.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968