*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
You Might Also Like
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
realest tweet ever.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”