@5hael

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

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@smithsara79

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

@Scdavis24

Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people…or sometimes floors

@zacharyflynn

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

@Cheeseboy22

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

@MatCro

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

@mstluvstrinkets

I remember, before kids, saying funny things like, “my kids won’t be watching TV and they most certainly won’t be eating chicken nuggets!”

@o__0Dev

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

@ddsmidt

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

@ArfMeasures

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

@TheHyyyype

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way