*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
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Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude