[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
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Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people…or sometimes floors
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I remember, before kids, saying funny things like, “my kids won’t be watching TV and they most certainly won’t be eating chicken nuggets!”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way