Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

Don’t make me out nice you.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.