Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
😭😭😭
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Reminder:
