Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan