Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
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I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Monday?
No. Next question.
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.