“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
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*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Fluff me with a fork baby
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
cause of death:
autopsy.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
