“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
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ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?