“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
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It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
With a text.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
respect
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.