“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
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If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face