“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
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The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Terribly Tuesday.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow