Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
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whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.