Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
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When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.